In many instances in my life, I have felt like I had no one to talk to, run to, or rant to. No one to say to: “I don’t know what to do”. No one I trusted enough to snort-cry to. No one! Absolutely no one!
It is a scary as well as a very sad thought, that you have no one. But one that I’ve realised is based on a lie – and maybe pride. It's okay to feel lonely, alone and isolated from time to time, but to perpetually say you have no one at all? The possibility is slim. As long as you live among people, you might have to work really hard not to have anyone. It sounds like victim shaming, but hear me out.
For all those times I have felt like I had no one, I deliberately decided and believed it. I wanted to feel like a victim, was too proud, or had closed the doors so no one could get in. I did not try talking to someone. I wasn’t vulnerable and I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be in charge. To go through it alone, but still, blame others for not being there for me. I judged them by thinking that they would judge me.
Does it mean that anyone you tell your problems to should solve them? Of course not. Does it mean that everyone will open their arms to you? Of course, no. Does that, then, mean they should tell you what you want to hear just because of a few teardrops? No way. Or perhaps sometimes we expect that and so when our gargantuan expectations are not met, we 'fake friend' everyone.
Now that I'm working on myself and loving the woman I'm becoming, haha, if I need to talk, I'll call someone. I’ll ask if they have time or if we can meet up sometime, and if I can unburden myself to them. And truly, I thank the Lord that I'm surrounded by wonderful humans, who might not always understand or solve my problems, but they will listen. They will drop what they were doing if I need them. They will be there and assure me that they’re always available when I need them. They will love me regardless. If I'm stuck, I'll share. If I wrong someone, I have someone to tell.
I have people I can call if I have a meltdown at 3 a.m. (two of them are night owls, thankfully). To this army of humans who feed my soul, mind, and body, I'm incredibly grateful. It's got to be the ultimate gift. Now, I truly believe there's always someone (heck, there are more than a dozen people) who’d gladly come to my aid if only I asked.
Open the door, open your heart. Be vulnerable, no one died from sharing dirty little secrets. There is no shame or fear in true friendship.
And this is not just my privilege. There’s someone who would gladly shelf everything to hear you out, too. There's someone who'll listen, offer a hug or help you laugh at your stupidity. But you got to believe that for yourself. Believe in humanity, and you'll be surprised how friendly and helpful most people are. Of course, trust your judgement but don't let paranoia tell you that no one is trustworthy.
But where’s this someone or these humans who’ll make your life better? The challenge is that you have to be that someone. Before you say "I have no one to talk to", are you someone who someone else can talk to? When I show up for someone else, my problems get lifted. I guess that’s the reward. Being that someone requires building trust to build a social support system. Make new connections and reconnect with old friends if you can. But be genuine, and not just because you might need them. There's that workmate with whom you particularly gel. There's that friend to your friend who doesn't just wave hello, they're interested in what you have to say – and good thing, sometimes friends to a friend can easily become a friend too.
Make an effort. If you lock yourself in the house all day or week and never talk to anyone, you might not even have the neighbour’s cat to talk to (and I do not mean being introverted here). Go beyond superficial relationships; talk about more than the weather and the state of the economy. Sharing is not being emotionally weak. If you don't share, chances are people assume you're fine and thriving.
Talking it out solves a myriad of physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional problems. Talking could avert potential depression or anxiety. Don't wait to hit a wall to talk it out. That’s what friends are for. We need each other, perhaps more than we think we do. No one goes through life on their own.
I appreciate how we may be wired differently but are similar at the core. You're not too 'unique' or too complex to be understood. Even then, if no one understands you, they're not going to beat you up, are they? What's the worst they'll do; tell someone else and then what? Nothing.
Here's a challenge: when you feel like you have no one to talk to, listen to someone else. Shift the focus from you. You'll be surprised how easy it will be to talk about yourself.
Here are a few pointers for reflection I learnt from a source I swear by:
- Am I the kind of person people like hanging around? Am I approachable? Optimistic? Cheerful?
- Am I genuinely concerned about people? Do I celebrate their joys and share their sorrows? (It doesn’t mean being a self-appointed journalist for the sorrows).
- Do I notice when someone I’m close to is going through something they’re not sharing? It could be the blank look, how they’re suddenly less talkative or eating by themselves etc. Am I too wrapped up in my ever-increasing concerns and worries to notice others?
- Do I excuse people? For instance, if they haven’t responded to my text message, do I think they could be held up, or unwell, or am I just quick to call them ‘fake’? Don’t forget that other people have their lives and problems, too. Not everyone will always be available when you call on them. I mean, you’re special but not like that.
- Do I make time for people? And do I understand that sometimes people might not be able to make time for me, and that doesn’t mean they don’t care?
- Am I vulnerable? Am I afraid of damaging my image/always seeking to leave a good impression?
- Do I take my friends for granted? Do I respect them, their space, and things?
I do not believe in ‘fake friends’. Maybe you’re just entitled or too calculating; that because you did something for someone, you think they should pay you back. The next time you are tempted to post about ‘fake friends’ and not having anyone to talk to, count to 10 and look inward (you might need to close your eyes for the exercise).
If nothing works (which I really doubt), talk to the person in the mirror. Be kind and patient with yourself like you would be with someone who is in your shoes. Remind yourself of all the cliffs you nearly fell off but didn’t. Remind yourself that you’re there for yourself. You don’t have to censor yourself. And you do understand yourself best. Find ways of comforting yourself; of holding yourself up. You owe it to yourself to take care of you. Question what is holding you back or why you are lonely. Only by getting to the root of those negative emotions can you work through them.
Also Read: The Best Call Is to Call Yourself Back to Stillness
