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Life doesn’t come with a manual. As we grow older and experience different situations, we become wiser and make better choices. In the fifth episode of Rearview Mirror Reflections Podcast, Damaris Agweyu and Susan Njoroge talk about love relationship. Rearview Mirror Podcast is a conversation between two Kenyan women sharing their perspectives on life, and what they are learning along the way. The conversations are a reminder that life and our perspectives keep evolving.
This episode is a breath of fresh air about what love is. I picked some pointers on why love, though something we all yearn for, is so elusive. It turns out, to find love, you must first learn to love yourself.
Demystifying love
Love is a beautiful thing, but often we get it mixed up. A good number of relationships break because of selfishness. The million-dollar question we often ask is, "What am I getting from my partner?" It's always about what the other person can give. Can they make you happy? Will they be there for you when you need them? Can they fill the void in your heart?
The misconception is that your partner should know your needs and meet them, even when sometimes you do little to voice those needs. Their role is to make you happy. They should make you feel good about yourself. When they don't, you have the right to throw tantrums and question their love for you, a typical toxic behaviour tendency.
Before you claim to love anyone, love yourself first
You can't give what you don't have. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Furthermore, you most definitely can't recognise, appreciate, and love genuinely if you don't love yourself. Instead of seeking validation, forcing someone to confirm that they truly love you, take that energy and focus on you.
Heal your wounds
Heartbreaks hurt so badly. You feel as if your whole world is falling apart. Feelings of betrayal and unworthiness quickly set in. You start doubting yourself and second-guessing everything. At some point, you resort to motivational speeches hoping to convince yourself that you've got this.
Now, instead of the pity party, heal. Where did the rain start beating you? You might have seen the signs early on but decided to pursue the relationship, anyway. Do you have traumas from your childhood that you are fighting? Did you receive genuine love as a child? If not, does this affect how you want to be loved as an adult? It could be your inability to communicate effectively. Perhaps it's your insecurities. There are loads of issues to which you might have turned a blind eye.
Focus on those. Heal first before you drag someone else into your life. Otherwise, you'll be in a vicious cycle of one heartbreak after another.
Be self-aware
There's nothing greater in the journey of personal development than being fully aware of who you are and what you want. When you are in touch with yourself, your values, likes, dislikes, and flaws, you have a high chance of making informed choices in intimate relationships.
You can rise above emotions and see people for who they really are. Self-awareness makes it easier to cut off people who don't align with your energy.
Know what you want
It always seems like you know what you want until your next relationship where, as usual, you find yourself in the exact place you were last time. You keep wondering why you attract the "wrong people." Just like habits, patterns are hard to break.
You attract people with the same level of woundedness as you. Though it's hard to believe, it's the truth. You attract who you are. So, if you want someone who is emotionally stable, be emotionally stable first. If you want a loving and caring person, make sure you embody the same.
Knowing what you want helps you to be very deliberate in your thoughts and actions. You'll also recognise, quickly, when you bump into someone with toxic behaviours and thus terminate those connections immediately.
Listen to your instincts
The sixth sense, which some call your instinct, is almost always accurate. If your guts tell you no, it's a no. Don't go around it or try to justify your decision to stay. Your heart is notorious for getting swayed with emotions. Please dismiss it where logical reasoning about love is required.
And when you've trusted your instinct, and a breakup is inevitable, know that even if your heart is shattered into small pieces, it will heal completely. As Susan Njoroge puts in episode five of Rearview Mirror Reflections Podcast, "Trust that the heart will always heal, your heart will love again. It gets better."
