The only way out of it has always been through it.
Written by Faith Irvina Achieng'
The following story might sound all too cliché. But it is my story. It might be a loose retelling of what happens every other day, but it is unique to me. It shaped how my life turned out and informed how I face every obstacle that comes my way.
The year was 2016. I was just a young girl, a few months into adulthood, and a freshman in university. Having grown up with a father who ran the household as a military camp, we really did not get much freedom to express ourselves in any form, or even make decisions for ourselves. So, going to college where I had no one to report to and I was fully in charge of my life gave me a taste of the elusive freedom which was long overdue.
In between academics and managing my social life, I fell in love. Or it was lust. Whichever came first. Blinded by the bliss of these newly-found feelings, I let myself into its flow.
The boy represented everything my father was not, and maybe that fact accelerated my desire to be with him. I am a hopeless romantic myself, therefore meeting someone who ticked all my boxes, especially my romantic fantasies, was a dream come true.
I got pregnant three months into the relationship. Unexpectedly, the hero in my love story—now the father of my unborn child—turned out to be the villain. And when the music stopped, I was the one left standing on the ruins of what was once the dance floor of love.
To compound the already worse situation, my father denounced me. How dare I get pregnant while he'd sent me to school for an education? The double rejection, from my unborn child's father and my own father, left me disoriented. With nowhere to go to and no one to turn to, I became homeless. Bereft and lonely. Thinking through the options I had, I decided to move in with an aunt for a while as I got my affairs in order.
It was uncommon to see a campus girl especially one who was popular with the boys keep a child. Most of the girls chose to abort silently and quickly move on with their lives. But I was different. I wasn't most of the girls.
Seeing as I had struggled to fit in and was just starting to explore all there was in the world, I admit that at first, I was torn between keeping the pregnancy and flashing it out. I chose the former. My decision would have me experiencing the pits of darkness for the next months of my life.
It was a complete a hundred and eighty degrees turn. I lost friends, or rather, people I thought were friends. My extended family isolated me. My siblings were instructed not to keep contact with me, and to my pained dismay, they obeyed. I was the black sheep of the family now, one whose sin wasn't needed on the family ledger. I had done the unthinkable by having a child out of wedlock, and while still in school. Oh! Unforgivable!
Fortunately, even in my darkest hour, I still had three stars shining on me—my three loving girlfriends whom life blessed me with. They chipped in whenever they could to hold me up from drowning in despair. I however didn’t see their kindness then. You know how at times we fail to see what is right in front of us, therefore letting good deeds pass unappreciated? Well, that was one of those moments. I would later realise how blessed I was at that time a few days after delivery.
At some point, I had contemplated dropping out of college; I had slipped into depression and was on the verge of ending my sad life. But one of the girls talked me out of it. Somehow, I managed to climb out of that hole and pulled myself together.
There were days I locked myself in my room for hours, and whatever meeting I had with myself, I came to the realisation that the world did not care whether I lived or died. That the baby growing inside me would soon come out and it would need a mother, whether I was ready or not. I turned to the internet for answers, because I did not have anyone as a reference I could ask all the questions about motherhood and labour and everything that I was experiencing at that moment. I cried on most days whenever I was alone in my room, cussing anyone who tried to draw out guilt in me for choosing to keep the baby.
Here is the thing about humans. We judge and troll other people for sinning differently. It is not even a question of morals, and even if it is, who are you to speak from your high horse?
Fast forward to September of 2017. I had my baby boy and named him Sean Andrew. I had made peace with being a single parent and didn’t care if the world slapped that same label on me with the intention of shaming me. What mattered was that I showed up and out for my boy. I might not have known it then, but I had built up resilience.
Four years ago, two girls came up to me and told me that I was the reason they had kept their pregnancies. Not that I am pro-life, also not to insinuate that I am pro-choice, but knowing that someone somewhere would look up to me as a source of inspiration, and not just when it comes to matters motherhood, is in itself a win for me. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but time and time again, words such as tenacious, strong, and bodacious have been used to describe me for how I face the storms in my life.
I have always championed for mental health; that other aspect of health that is more often relegated to the backseat. Whenever I can, which is always, I’ll talk of prioritising mental health, debunking the stereotypes and myths on mental health and leaning more on paying attention on those close to us.
In conclusion, I look back to the young and scared little girl who needed the world to validate her for her to feel worthy, and I tell her, that though it is going to get very dark, she will emerge through it all a changed human. The only way out of it has always been through it.
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Faith Irvina Achieng' is a 24-year-old graduate of Bsc. Public Health, currently a mother to a baby boy, and who enjoys listening to podcasts and watching true crime documentaries in her free time. She is a highly opinionated woman who thinks that capitalism has us on a hamster wheel. She also loves to see women winning.
